I see that, as many people expected, Ray Lewis has already
shown up on ESPN to offer ‘expert’ analysis. Maybe they’ll ask him to breakdown
something he really knows – like hiding evidence. What exactly qualifies Lewis
to offer up commentary on one of TV’s largest networks, aside from the fact
he’s very well known and has a big mouth? Uh, that would be about it. Many
people seem to like him; they manage to put the having babies all over the
place and being involved in murder things aside.
Lewis’s involvement started me thinking that maybe I
should start a network of my own. One that will be exactly what it says it is:
bereft of any standards or set of acceptable values. It’ll be called UESPN –
The Unethical Sports Network.
We will have every lowdown, ne’er-do-well, sports scumbag
on to cover, analyze and breakdown the games before and after they happen. Done
jail time? Even better. O.J., come on board, please. We would appreciate the
perspective of an obsessive stalker, wife beater and multiple murderer. Need to
know what a drug trafficker, embezzler and racketeer thinks of the World Series
matchup? Great, we just happen to have Denny McLain on board. Have you ever
wondered what a convicted sex offender thinks of the Ravens defense? Again,
you’re in luck. Say hello to Hollywood Henderson.
We’ll also get analysis of the Pats wide outs from a
former wide receiver that also happens to be a murderer. Straight from Nash
Correctional Institute, in Rocky Mount, North Carolina: we’ll hear from the man
who partook in the successful plot to kill the woman carrying his child: Rae
Carruth. To make sure all the major sports are covered we'll have former NHLer
and murder conspirator Mike Stanton as well as former NBA player “fast” Eddie
Johnson who has also dabbled in various drugs, rape, burglary and sexual
assault of a minor. We’ve got every perspective covered. If you want to know
what the worst people sports has to offer think about your favourite sports,
teams or athletes, then you’re in luck.
Remember sports fans, it not what you know, or even who
you know, it’s how many know you that really matters.
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